Today, I save America.

Stand back, folks, I've had an idea! I know how we can eliminate all of the social problems in America almost entirely, with just three small changes to our current lifestyles, and I'm going to share my wisdom with all of you! So, sit back, relax, and hold on to your hats because this is going to blow your minds.

1. Give everyone the car of their dreams.

The logic: If everyone were to drive the car they'd always wanted, then they'd be more careful when driving. Let's face it, if you're driving a car that's nothing more than transportation to you, you're far less careful than if you drive a vehicle to which you have an emotional attachment. For example, I'm pretty careful when I drive my little Honda, Ian (This is my Honda; there are many like it, but this one is mine...). However, if I were to drive a 2012 Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG, I would drive like my physical and mental well-being were intrinsically related to the exterior and....engine-al... well-being of my SLS. Which, by the way, I've decided that I would name "Nero." And, look! Hey presto, I've created a perfect segue to the second part of my plan!

Power + Insanity? Must be a Roman emperor.

2. Everyone must name their cars.
The logic: We, as a species, become emotionally attached to things when they're given anthropomorphic qualities. We name pets, houses, and boats on a regular basis. The argument I'm making here is simple: if you give your car a name, you will love it more. The more you love your car, the more careful you are when you drive it. QED, name the car which you received in point 1, and you will become so attached to it that even the tiniest of scratches will feel like a knife to your heart.

This one is a "Phyllis" for sure.

3. Abolish speed limits.
The logic: Now that everyone is emotionally dependent on the well-being of their cars, the government should abolish speed limits. We've all got the car of our dreams, which for many of us is some sort of insane super-car, and it's time that we used that pent-up power. Everyone loves their car, so they're being extra-super-careful. Now is the time to really let the public open up their engines, and travel around at 200 mph. Also, since the police won't be wasting their time waiting around for people to speed, they can spend their time doing something useful like, I don't know, solving real crimes. So, to sum up: dream car + name= careful driving, careful driving = no speed limits, no speed limits= cops solving actual crimes, drop in crime rate = peace + safety, QED: American society is saved!

Pictured: the German Autobahn. Not Pictured: everyone dying in flaming, spinning death machines because they went 2 mph over 70 mph.

With the application of the three simple steps outlined above, I believe that I have created the solution to the ills of American society. Remember this when you're voting, people, and write in "KIM" for president.