Highway Hazards

Top o'the Mornin', everyone! Earlier today I found myself traveling on the highway, from my parent's house, back to my apartment, which is about a 45 minute drive. To keep myself awake, I decided to take mental notes on things on or around my travel path. Now, because I was driving at the glorious break of dawn, I was feeling rather grumpy. Therefore, the top five things that made my list are complaints. I'd apologize, but I've only had 30oz of coffee and I'm still feeling a bit peevish. So, here's the result:

5. If you need a new car, look no further. I think Chrysler must be giving PT Cruisers away. That's the only logical reason for there being so many on the highway. Certainly no one would actually purchase a car that looks like hearse specifically modified to carry miniature coffins.

Would Sir like a car in which he can keep smaller-than-average corpses? They're free.

4. Why is there an advertisement for the emergency room? Why is that advertisement followed by one for the EMT? Do they want us to be horrifically injured? Are we supposed to see those signs and think "Yes, this is a lovely day for an accident. It's been awhile since I've seen the EMTs and all my friends in the E.R. I hope they miss me as much as I miss them!"

3. Here's a quick tip for my fellow early morning travelers: if you know that you're going to need to be in the right-hand lane, and you know that the traffic is going to be dense, but you still don't move lanes when you have the chance, I'm not going to let you in. I'm just not. I don't have any sympathy for your inability to plan ahead. I'll see your blinker and laugh at your predicament, but I won't let you over.

2. If you've read my earlier post concerning leather seats, then you'll know what's coming here. It was twenty-nine degrees this morning when I got into my car. The leather was absolutely frigid. I had to have both hands and my entire butt amputated because of the frostbite. True story.

1. Have you ever been driving along the highway when someone comes along behind you and begins to tailgate? Presumably they assume, using whatever brain cells their little puerile minds can muster, that this will encourage you to go faster, and not to brake-check them instead. I was in this situation this morning. But then it got worse; the bastard turned on his brights. They reflected off my side mirrors, my rear-view mirror, and straight into my retinas, burning the sight right out of my weak, Scandinavian eyes. Congratulations, Pick-up Truck Prick, you've now just managed to send me, yourself, and about thirty other people in surrounding vehicles straight to our friends at the E.R. If you happen to read this Mr. Prick, I just want you to know that I didn't switch lanes because of your ill-advised "blinding the car ahead" plan; I switched lanes accidentally after jerking the wheel in surprised pain from your lights. Also, don't think that I didn't see (which, by the way, was a miracle) you never move more than three car lengths ahead of me. Was all the wanton death and destruction worth it? Well?! Look ashamed, Mr. Prick; look ashamed.