The Seven Deadly Automotive Abuses

What we have here, ladies and gentlemen, is a list I made up of the seven deadly sins that car manufacturers commit. Without further ado,  I present the Seven Deadly Automotive Abuses:

1. Gluttony: We all know this one, it's the car that uses more fuel than it's worth. While the Hummer certainly isn't the only offender (in fact, most super- and hyper-cars have even worse fuel economy than this monster; for example, the Bugatti Veyron, pictured below, gets just 8 mpg in the city), it is one of the most renowned gas-guzzlers on the market. Of course, with the rise of the "green" movement, cars like these have become less common, as fun and power are traded for sensibility and eco-friendliness. Don't get me wrong, I do approve of living in an eco-sustainable way; however, I think we'll all eventually miss driving around vehicles that fulfill no other purpose than pandering to our own egos and stupidity.

 "Me make Hummer go 'vrooooom'. Then eat meat. Meat good, veggies yuck."-Quote from actual Hummer owner.

2. Greed: This is the car that is so ridiculously expensive that your bank account starts weeping in the corner when it senses you thinking about the price. This car, the Bugatti Veyron, will cost you upwards of $1.5 million. There are other expensive cars out there, but the Bugatti Veyron is so nice to look at that I decided it should exemplify greed.

Look how pretty it is.

3. Sloth: The Toyota Prius is slow. It's just a fact. I find myself hoping that the reason it takes so long to go from zero to sixty is that during that time it isn't just accelerating, it's also cleaning pollutants from the air. This car is magic, right? At least, that's what I've been led to believe.

I shouldn't make fun; I'm regularly passed by the Prius on the highway. But then again, my car's eleven years old. What's your excuse, Prius? It better be magic.

4. Wrath: Dear automotive industry,
Please, for the love of whatever, or whomever, you worship as God, stop, stop, stop making cars this farcically hideous. Cars like these are literally endangering my life, and the lives of other motorists. Every time I see one of these (or the Chevy HHR, or the Nissan Cube, etc.) I become irrationally angry and proceed to drive like the Hulk with a beehive up his...bonnet. I could have an accident, which would probably injure or kill one or more of my fellow motorists, or perhaps a few pedestrians, and maybe a cyclist or two! For the safety of your customer base, please stop making cars this ugly.
Love, A concerned (but mostly enraged because I've had to look at this picture of a PT Cruiser while I type this) customer

What's that taste? Oh yes, it's the bitter tang of bile as I try not to hurl at the sight of this...thing.

5. Envy: What we have here is an example of automotive envy. The black car below is the Nissan 350z. The silver one is clearly a Porsche 911 Turbo. However, it seems to me that all the 350z is, is a poor man's Porsche. I've stopped referring to the 350z by its name, actually. I just call it the Nissan Not-a-Porsche.

It's a thing of beauty to see a Porsche in action....wait...something's not...quite right here.

Ahhh, that's more like it.

6. Pride: The pride referred to here is that which is felt, not by actually accomplishing something, but by owning a "green" car. It is the kind of pride that turns regular human beings into vainglorious bastards. Owning a car like this apparently gives people license to be noxious toward their fellow man, because they're saving the environment.

"I drive a Prius; the relative size of my carbon foot print in relation to yours makes it okay for me to cut you off. Repeatedly."

7. Lust: This one is kind of self-explanatory. These are the cars that make the people who see them decide right then and there that they'll marry the person who steps out of the door, no matter if they're man, woman, or something in between, just because they own this vehicle.

There just aren't any words for how I feel about this car. Well, not any socially appropriate words.