Spotted at Work: Cars

Tonight, there are several cars that are worthy of my prestigious award. I saw one of these:

BMW Z4, quite an attractive little car...if you ignore the phallic-ly large hood.

It was following one of these:

If you don't know what this is, your life under the rock must be very sad. And lonely. It's a Porsche 911 Turbo, oh Lonely One.

Then, there was one of these:

The Mercedes SLK 230. This is a beautiful vehicle. If I were to drive something that would almost certainly kill me if I rolled it, i.e. a convertible, this would almost certainly, maybe, be the one.

Usually I'd give the specifications on these cars, but tonight I'm tired and I have to be up to work a double shift tomorrow. So, for tonight, y'all can just marvel at the aesthetic glory of these three cars.

Tuition Turbulence

It's that time of year again, folks. The time when all the colleges start talking about how much tuition will or will not change for the coming semester. I've recently found out that UNCG will be raising its tuition once again for the fall '12 semester. This isn't entirely relevant to me, as I'm graduating this spring, but I thought I'd let y'all know one of the things that UNCG uses the extra money on. Here it is:

Isn't it majestic?

That's right; UNCG is spending some of its money purchasing Mercedes vans for sports teams. If you can count golf as a sport. Which I don't. But, I digress. Getting back to the point, I could understand if UNCG bought these ridiculously expensive (starting at $40,300) vans for sports teams that won, but we don't actually have any teams that win at UNCG. This is not UNC-Chapel Hill, home of the anal retentive over-achievers. This is UNCG, or, as I like to call it, UNC-Good Enough. Here's the type of van that our athletes should have:

The quality of the vehicles should be dependent on the quality of the athletes which they convey. That's all I have to say on that subject.

Spotted at Work: A Family Car

Today at work, I saw a sensible sedan. A car which any family would find suitable for their needs. Here it is:

Oh God, the visual horror...

I know, it isn't very attractive. Or at all attractive. It actually kind of looks like a Porsche 911 with some sort of genetic defect. In any case, this is the Porsche Panamera. It's the only sedan type car that they make, which makes it fairly unique. I'm going to give you the specifications for the base model as, just like all the other Porsche vehicles, there are about a million different varieties. You can even have it in a hybrid. Anyway, the basics: front engine, rear-wheel drive, 6 cylinders, 300 hp. It goes from zero to sixty in six seconds, with an eventual top speed of 160 mph. All of this will cost you $75,200. I'm not sure it's worth it, if you have to own a car that hideous. Although, Prius owners seem to get past price. I'd still rather have a Jaguar XJ. The XJ is more attractive, more powerful, faster, and costs $2,000 less. So, with my imaginary money, that's what I'd buy.

Oil Crisis? Here's your answer!

Everybody's been in an uproar lately over the soon-to-skyrocket price of gasoline, and that's just as it should be. The automobile is practically an institution in modern America; we'd be lost without most forms of automotive transportation. It isn't that things are "too far" for us to reach by walking or bicycle, but if there is one thing that most Americans have in common, it's laziness. We want to drive everywhere. That being said, nearly everyone is trying to get a more economical car. Sadly, this means that the mindbogglingly ugly Toyota Prius is flying off the sales floor. I'm going to present an alternative, which will be coming soon to the east coast:

Huh, an eco-car that doesn't look like it's already backed into something. That's new.

This is it, the Honda FCX Clarity. Already, you can see that it's far more attractive than the Prius. That's just the start, though. For all the vaunted "eco-friendly"-ness of the Prius, the Clarity is about a million times better. It isn't gasoline-electric. It's hydrogen-electric. The Clarity runs off of compressed hydrogen, which combines with oxygen in the engine. This means that the only thing that the car releases as waste into the environment is water. Take that, Prius! Also, it still has 134 hp, which is more than enough for the average person. It really is the solution to all of our too-expensive gas, and over-priced, ugly Prius problems. The only problem that I can imagine I would encounter if I had it would be this:

This was also hydrogen-powered.

However, if you're going to die in a car accident, dieing in a hydrogen-fueled car accident would produce a fireball big enough to impress St. Pete, and probably get you a free pass out of your hand-basket to Hell. Another problem with the Clarity is this: you can't buy it yet. You can only lease it, at the exorbitant price of $600/month. Also, you have to live in a very specific area of Southern California to be eligible, as this is the only area with hydrogen refueling pumps. But mark my words, one day we'll be released from the domination of the evil Prius! Hopefully, long before this happens:

Ummm, anyone ever heard of a thing called "styling?" Dear God, we have eyes, Toyota! Stop trying to put them out, please.

Spotted at Work: It's Impossibruuu!!

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I am forced to make an apology. In an earlier post, I said that Volvo had never made an attractive car until the past few years. Apparently, they did. And someone drove it into the parking lot at work, right across every stereotype I hold concerning Volvo. Here it is:

Look at its little face! It looks so...happy!

That's a coupe station wagon, my friends, and I like it. It's a 1972 Volvo p1800 ES, and it is adorable. It has an inline four cylinder engine, and develops 108 hp. Also, the front of the car has a look on its face like it's been hitting the premium, if you know what I mean. In short, it's slow, but cute. I think I can be forgiven for not knowing that Volvo had made this cute little car, too; it came out a full seventeen years before I was born.

A Tragic Epiphany

Vanity Plates

Today, I'd like to talk about vanity plates. I must say, I understand the draw of the vanity plate. Having a license plate that actually says something about you, as a person, is a heady idea. However, your plate must be chosen carefully, lest what it says about you, as a person, is "I'm a massive tool." The following are some examples of what to choose and what to avoid when it comes to vanity plates:

Would you like your license plate to be a public service message, warning other drivers about your lack of care? If so, this is the plate for you:

And, here's an alternate version if you are a massive tool:

That's incorrect spelling and improper grammar. Does this person have no shame?

 

Now, for the gentlemen in the audience, here's a plate that will advertise your "massive" tool, while making you look like a massive tool as well:

 And here's an option that will send a similar message, but will at least tell people that you're well educated as well:

I hope everyone has learned something today. Remember, if you're going to get a vanity plate, consider what it means and not just what it says.

Spotted at Work: A German, But Not The One You Think

Alright, so I've worked several times since I last awarded this title. Apparently, word got out that I'd be on the lookout for interesting vehicles, and so everyone brought their Volvos to dinner. My luck has changed, though! I actually saw something worth noting tonight. It was this:

Apparently, the "Top Banana" color was used before Dodge got hold of it.

That, my friends, is a 1972 Opel GT. This car was produced as a front-engined, rear wheel drive coupe. The massive 4 cylinder engine produced a full 90 bhp. Just take a moment to imagine the sheer power this thing put out. I bet the naught to sixty time was only about thirty seconds. And that's at least thirty seconds faster than my 2001 Honda Accord. It's mind boggling! Although, all jokes about lack of power aside, it is quite a cute little car, in my opinion. Certainly, it's the most interesting thing I've seen through the front window of [restaurant name] in several days.

Working Theory: Elves and Magic

I'm about to relate a story which will make a rather bold claim: mothers, upon having their first child, receive a small amount of magical power which allows them to know what their children are doing at any given time. Upon the birth of the second child, the Powers that Be gift the mother with a slight increase in her power. This is how my two brothers survived childhood. However, when the mother has a third child, which is of course the best and favorite child, the mother gets a small army of elves which help her know what's going on at any given time with any or all of her children, because, let's face it, even magic can't keep up with three kids. All of these gifts were the bane of my childhood. Or at least, they would have been if I had been a troublesome child. Which I wasn't. Much. Anyway, that's enough back story and theorizing; now, for the story.

This is a family portrait. That's my dad, my two brothers, their fire, me, my mom, her magic wand, and her elves; Luke, Peter, Paul, and Ted.

When I was seventeen, I drove to school everyday, much like the majority of teenagers who are old enough to drive. Everyday as I left the house my mom would say "Be careful with my car!!" Not, "I love you" or maybe, "Have a good day at school." No, all that concerned her was the well-being of her $4,000 car. Which is odd, because when you add it up, I actually cost more. In any case, this day was like any other. I pulled into the school and I parked in my assigned parking space, like every other day. Also, due to depth perception and attention deficiencies, I hit the car next to me (if you're reading this, and that was your car...sorry.), which was slightly out of the norm; usually I just curb-shot. A lot. Anyway, technically speaking, it was more of a nudge than an actual hit. Regardless, I had a slight mental breakdown, and kept freaking out until marching band practice where I was able to stop off at my car and remove my neighbor's paint from my bumper. No one would ever know; it was the perfect crime. Then I went home. As soon as I walked in the door, Mom, who was upstairs and incapable of having seen the tiny scratches that remained on the bumper, immediately greeted me in her traditional manner "WHAT DID YOU DO to MY CAR?!"

This is exactly what happened.

This brings me to the point of this story. The only way she could have known that anything happened to that car, without me showing her, was if she had one of her elves following me to school. I know her magic was tied up in sensing whatever my brothers were trying to blow up that day, so it must have been a worker elf. And before you try and tell me that someone at school called her and ratted me out, I'll have you know that the parking attendant was facing the other way at the time. I know that for certain because I was looking at her instead of where I was parking.

Curse you, Ted!!

One last side note, don't use rubbing alcohol to remove someone's paint from your car. It will work, but it will also remove your paint as well. Teenagers, if you've had a fender-bender, and you don't want your parents to know, find someone who knows how to fix it properly. Or maybe, don't hit things in the first place.

This is a List.

Good afternoon, everyone! Today, I am posting a list. This is a list that concerns some small, affordable SUVs, which might help you make a decision if you were in the market for a small SUV. It is by no means a comprehensive list of all the comparable models on the current market, but just a few of those which I felt like researching. To be honest, I didn't feel like researching much, mostly because I think small SUVs are worthless. I can't see a reason to have a car that won't carry much more than a slightly smaller hatchback, but is more inclined to rollover or run into things when being parked because it's so big.  Really, I just generally don't like cars that are too big for me to park easily; this is everything larger than my current vehicle, in case you're wondering. In any case, and without further ado:

1. 2013 Mazda CX-5- The CX-5 is a good looking car, if you like SUVs. For me, that's like saying the chicken pox are a more attractive rash alternative to a poison ivy rash.

This one is more like goosebumps...not attractive, per say, but not reason to call a priest for an exorcism either.

Price: $20,695-ish
Engine: 16 valve, 4 cylinder, 2.0L
Horsepower: 155 @ 6000rpm
Fuel Economy: 26/32 (FWD), 25/31 (AWD)
Storage Capacity: 65.4 cubic feet

2. 2012 Honda CR-V- Honda makes dependable cars, and that's just a fact. Therefore, their teacup SUV should be pretty good.

Price: $22,295
Engine: 16 valve, 4 cylinder
Horsepower: 185 @ 7000rpm
Fuel Economy: 23/31 (2WD)
Storage Capacity: 70.9 cubic feet (rear seat down)

3. 2012 Nissan Murano- The Murano is stylish, comes in more attractive colors, and is more powerful. If you're worried about silly things like price or fuel economy, this probably isn't the teacup SUV for you. However, it is the most attractive one on this list, in my opinion.

It's so shiny.

 Price: $29,540
Engine: V6, 3.5L
Horsepower: 260
Fuel Economy: 18/24
Storage Capacity: 64 cubic feet

Of course, all of you are probably wondering what I would buy. So, here it is: if someone were to hold a gun to my head and force me to purchase an SUV, I would buy the Nissan Murano Crosscabriolet. Since the roof comes off, I'm more likely to be killed when it rolls over, and that would save me from my life in SUV hell.

You just have to wonder what they were smoking when they decided that the SUV, a vehicle prone to rolling, really needed was no roof. It'll fulfill my life-long ambition to be a cool soccer mom who is then horribly maimed in a tragic convertible SUV accident. Thank you, Nissan.

It's a Miracle!

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, I have witnessed an actual miracle. Today, the limits of my beliefs were tested. Not by aliens, or conspiracy theories, or even by science fiction novels-turned-religions. No, I've been the victim of a shock and awe campaign run by none other than the good people of Sweden. Allow me to be plain, I saw an attractive Volvo:

I was blown away! But then:

And after a little research into this phenomenon:

That's right, folks. All of the new cars, in every line are now attractive. What's up, Volvo? I always considered your car designs the seven horsemen harbingers of the PT Cruiser apocalypse. This new trend towards cars that don't cause mental scarring in small children is...amazing. And if you, who have consistently made cars that were practical to a fault, and uglier still, can do it; who knows? Maybe, one sweet, sweet day, Chrysler will destroy all the PT Cruisers. Perhaps Hummer will make small, practical cars. Anything is possible in this brand new world of the attractive Volvo. Anything.

Happy Valentine's Day!

As we're all aware, or at least we should all be aware, Valentine's Day is a "holiday" created by the evil corporate society to manipulate our fluffy-kitten feelings for the purpose of robbing us blind, while we all stand by and say "yes, thank you, please, please, take my money!" However, I'm still jumping on the Valentine's bandwagon, and writing a quick sonnet to my most recent car-crush: the Mercedes SLS AMG.

Sonnet 1:

I've never been in love before,

And thus the feeling comes as new.

The one I have is quite a bore,

and to it's like, I bid adieu.

I've moved to something gunmetal grey,

instead of silver as the moon.

And of power, the old has oft led me astray,

While new causes quite a swoon.

Oh, Honda Accord, which "Ian" I do call,

though faithful you've been through every drive,

you've been outmatched, outclassed in all.  

And thus replaced by one which thrives.

But yet do you get me thence and hence,

for Mercedes SLS AMG costs too many pence.

Happy Valentine's Day!!

 

 

Car Review: 1986 Porsche 944 Turbo

I thought today, to follow off of yesterday's post, I would write a quick review of the car which was featured. In that vein, allow me to introduce you to the 1986 Porsche 944 turbo. As you can see, it's a fairly good-looking car, but when it comes to Porsches, I would argue that looks aren't the most important concern. It's all about the power.

So, let's talk power. The first thing that you need to know about this car is that when it was made, way back in the dark ages, it was the fastest 4 cylinder production car in the world. The 1987 version, known to that select group of people we call "Porsche Enthusiasts" as the 951, was actually designed to replace the Porsche 911. That, as we all know, went well. That's why there is such a long and confusing line of 951 models available today.

Wait....

I may have my facts confused.

These are all 911s!

Except for this. This is a Nissan. Poser.

In any case, we're not talking about the  1987 951, we're talking about the 1986 944. So now, let's talk about what's what in that car. First, and most strikingly for people who are familiar with the current Porsche line, the car was front-engined. This little four-cylinder engine developed 217 bhp, and had a top speed of 157 mph. 0 to 60 took just 6 seconds (Car and Driver). I can't really talk about the handling, on account of the fact that the only driving that I ever did in it was stalling it 21 times. However, from the way my dad and brothers drove it, without ever killing themselves or others, it handles quite well.

Second, and take caution here because this may blow your minds, it could carry four people...if two of them were very small contortionists. I know this for a fact, because I always had to ride in the back seat. You haven't lived until you've ridden four hours in a car that's louder than a lion with a bladder infection, in a space that wouldn't fit a mouse comfortably. Although, the engine noise was quite good. It just got annoying after awhile.

As for the interior, the quality was quite good. Except for one thing. Leather. Leather. I think we all know how I feel about leather.

So to sum up, this was a good car.  And, if you get one in working order today, it still is a good car.

A Miss in a Manual: Act I- Putrefying a Porsche

So, if you don't know (and as I haven't already mentioned it, you probably don't), I currently cannot drive a car with a manual gearbox. As I plan to rectify this situation forthwith, I thought I would give you some insight into my illustrious past with the manual gearbox:


I was seventeen the first time someone tried to teach me how to drive a manual. I'm not entirely sure how this came about; at the time, I could not have cared less about driving, or cars; not an automatic and certainly not a manual. In any case, on this particular day my dad decided that he should impart this vital life skill unto me. Just to really impress upon you how ridiculous this notion was, you must consider how I felt about cars. A feeling which I think can best be summed up as "meh." Now, you just need to know what vehicle my dear father decided would be suitable for this little outing. I would, he hoped, soon be driving his very own red 1986 Porsche 944 turbo (also known as the Porsche 951). His master plan was to teach someone, who didn't want to learn, how to drive a turbo-charged sports car.  Brilliant. It went a little something like this:

8:37am:
"Waaaakey, waaakey, Kimmie-cakieees!"
"Whathmph??"
"Get up, I'm teaching you how to drive today."
"...I know how to drive."
"...you don't even have a driver's license. You cry little girl tears whenever we suggest you miss marching band to take the class."
"I have homework..."
"You never do your homework. Get up, get dressed, and for the love of God don't wear high heels. You're learning how to drive a car, not how to pick up a car driver."

These shoes were made for walking, and that's just what they'll do. One of these day these shoes are going to walk straight into a hotel room with a shifty man you call "John."

As you can tell, this was sure to be a fun filled father-daughter outing. It certainly wasn't doomed from the start:

10:27am:
"Alright, now to begin you just have to start the car. Can you do that?"
"Um, duh?"... ... ..."ummm...?"
"Just put the shiny part into the round shiny bit there by the steering wheel."
"Right. What's this yellow thingy, on the black goobly bit, with all the stuff in it?"
"That's the Porsche logo."
"Oh. It's pretty."

But this one has a pony. Porsche doesn't have any ponies.

 As you can probably determine, we weren't off to the best of starts. However, we did eventually get the car started and were ready to really start learning:


10:42am:
 "Now, this will be a little more tricky than an automatic..."
"Which I can't drive either."
"Eh, it'll be fine. This isn't hard; now, depress the clutch while keeping the same foot on the brake and giving the car a little gas. Get the rev counter up to about 1500 and then slot it into first while slowly releasing the clutch and brake."
"Umm, I only have, like, two feet. Cars only have two pedals anyway. The one that makes it go "vrooom" and the one that makes it go "EEEEEEEEE."
"What are you talking abou....no, nevermind, just look down at your feet."
"I know, I totally should get a pedicure, my feet are a mess."
"No. Just...no. Look at the pedals."
"Holy mother-of-pearl there're three of them. Who on God's green Earth thought that was a good idea?!"
"...this is going well."

Dear Dad, I'm not a rocket scientist. Like, seriously? Whatever. ~XOXO, 17-year old me.

And so it went. By the end of the day I had managed to stall my Papa's precious Porsche no fewer than twenty-one times. He finally gave up trying to teach me, and I had given trying to learn before we left that morning. We did donuts for awhile, and then headed home:

11:15am:
"I think that went well. Don't you think?"
"...I've fathered an imbecile..."
"What?"
"I said: I've found a....side of eel?"
"Oh. Whatever. Can we go to the mall now?"  

21 times. We probably managed...oh, I don't know twenty, maybe even thirty feet.

 


For the next five years, this was the extent of my experience with the manual gearbox. But it certainly wasn't the last time someone would get the notion to try and teach me.

Today, I save America.

Stand back, folks, I've had an idea! I know how we can eliminate all of the social problems in America almost entirely, with just three small changes to our current lifestyles, and I'm going to share my wisdom with all of you! So, sit back, relax, and hold on to your hats because this is going to blow your minds.

1. Give everyone the car of their dreams.

The logic: If everyone were to drive the car they'd always wanted, then they'd be more careful when driving. Let's face it, if you're driving a car that's nothing more than transportation to you, you're far less careful than if you drive a vehicle to which you have an emotional attachment. For example, I'm pretty careful when I drive my little Honda, Ian (This is my Honda; there are many like it, but this one is mine...). However, if I were to drive a 2012 Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG, I would drive like my physical and mental well-being were intrinsically related to the exterior and....engine-al... well-being of my SLS. Which, by the way, I've decided that I would name "Nero." And, look! Hey presto, I've created a perfect segue to the second part of my plan!

Power + Insanity? Must be a Roman emperor.

2. Everyone must name their cars.
The logic: We, as a species, become emotionally attached to things when they're given anthropomorphic qualities. We name pets, houses, and boats on a regular basis. The argument I'm making here is simple: if you give your car a name, you will love it more. The more you love your car, the more careful you are when you drive it. QED, name the car which you received in point 1, and you will become so attached to it that even the tiniest of scratches will feel like a knife to your heart.

This one is a "Phyllis" for sure.

3. Abolish speed limits.
The logic: Now that everyone is emotionally dependent on the well-being of their cars, the government should abolish speed limits. We've all got the car of our dreams, which for many of us is some sort of insane super-car, and it's time that we used that pent-up power. Everyone loves their car, so they're being extra-super-careful. Now is the time to really let the public open up their engines, and travel around at 200 mph. Also, since the police won't be wasting their time waiting around for people to speed, they can spend their time doing something useful like, I don't know, solving real crimes. So, to sum up: dream car + name= careful driving, careful driving = no speed limits, no speed limits= cops solving actual crimes, drop in crime rate = peace + safety, QED: American society is saved!

Pictured: the German Autobahn. Not Pictured: everyone dying in flaming, spinning death machines because they went 2 mph over 70 mph.

With the application of the three simple steps outlined above, I believe that I have created the solution to the ills of American society. Remember this when you're voting, people, and write in "KIM" for president.

Spotted at Work: A Rearing Horse

So, last night I had to work. In the entire time that I was there, from 4:00pm to 11:30pm, the most interesting car that came through our parking lot was the Nissan Juke. Therefore, I'm going to give the award to tonight's car. As you may have noticed, it isn't actually night yet. That's because the car I saw during my first shift this morning will not be topped this evening. There's no possible way someone will pull up in something more interesting; it just won't happen. I'm sure that by now you're on the edge of your seat to find out what could have won my illustrious award for two nights running. Here it is:

That's right. It's a black Ferrari California. It has a 4.3L V8 engine, which develops 262 brake horsepower. It only has a top speed of about 190 mph, but just look at it. That, my friends, is a beautiful piece of machinery.

Size Matters: When Smaller is Better

 Alright, everyone, today I'm going to have a little fun with mathematics and a shrink ray. For my first experiment I applied a shrink ray to a car about which I've already written, the Cadillac Escalade:

As we can see, the shrink ray successfully turned this motorized Freud theory into a much more attractive vehicle, the Cadillac SRX.

 Next, I applied a shrink ray to a boring family car. Not a terrible car per say, just mind numbingly boring:

Here, the shrink ray turns the boring Honda Odyssey into a much more fun and interesting Honda Fit.

 Now, this next one was surprising. I used the shrink ray on one of the vehicles that I hate the most, and it was turned into a car which I find very attractive:

The Chevy HHR is actually a gigantic Mini. Who knew?

 Finally, I brushed up on my math skills for the most difficult problem I've faced since I had to make a choice between Legend of Zelda and Mario on game night. I had to find a way to make the PT
Cruiser appeal to a wider market than just the undead:

QED. Forget the ugly PT Cruiser and buy a Fiat 500!